For the longest time, Youtube intimidated me. I didn’t like the idea of having to record myself on camera – it took a lot of determination and effort to follow through with filming, editing and uploading a single video, and since I hadn’t done much of it, I felt insecure that what I made wouldn’t be good enough. It was hard to get in a consistent groove with creating content for my channel. I know, it’s probably so weird to think of someone who seems as outgoing and extroverted as me to struggle with sharing her thoughts and putting them out there for the internet to see.
Imagine being me in this situation – I was confused, too. It was frustrating. I was focusing on meeting other people’s expectations and put so much pressure on myself to achieve these perceived standards that the mere thought of filming, or even just writing for my blog, gave me serious anxiety – the kind that permeates my thoughts at every point during the day. Everything that used to invigorate me about my work began to feel like a burden because I lost my passion, and part of myself when I let the opinions of other people dictate what I should do or how I should be.
PRO TIP: You’re never going to be able to please everyone, so fuck those who can’t appreciate that you’re trying.
Trying to please everyone else and stay true to myself was exhausting. I was at the point of, why am I even bothering with this anymore? I got tired of fighting with myself and causing myself so much unnecessary anxiety and internal angst trying to think of some great idea to record myself talking about just to put it on the internet for people to see and judge me by… I felt like I wasn’t good enough to be on video. I was defeated.
I gave up on even trying for a while… Until I finally got fed up with these confined ideas I had of myself that were holding me back from pursuing what I was passionate about. I got over myself wanting to hold back until everything could be perfect in favor of actually being able to do something, even if it was just “well.” Now, I’m focusing on executing and building out ideas that excite me, writing and filming ideas for stories that exist only in my head, but that I feel are important and worth sharing. I don’t know if this little personal anecdote about my struggles with anxiety is going to be “important” to anyone else per se, but it’s therapeutic and cathartic to write so that’s reason enough for me.
I didn’t start this blog just to write about how to contour or my daily makeup look in 5 minutes – I started it to also talk about real shit that happens in life, and it’s not always pretty. It’s hard to believe that there’s an underlying benefit to the shit you’re put through when you’re going through it… but denying it and being silent will only perpetuate more of it. You have to embrace it, sit with the shit, have an honest discussion with it (see also: yourself), and find a way to make peace with it. I spent the last few months being silent, feeling like I didn’t have anything worthwhile to say even though I had millions of thoughts and ideas screaming at me in my head to be shared. Then, months had passed without a peep and I hardly knew where to begin again.
HERE I AM!
I realized, after these last few tough months, that I’m only going to get better by doing the things that had previously scared me into stagnation. That means moving forward and filming videos I want to do, before I learn more about how to do it… Real life experience is seriously the most effective teacher, anyway. I’m starting to just write, allowing my ideas to flow where they may rather than trying to fit the maximum amount of buzzwords into some perfect blogger box. I’m learning to embrace the reality that the ideas I have in my head of what I want to create are merely inspiration and not rigid standards that I need to meet before it’s acceptable for the public to see. I used to be creatively strangling myself, and it made me feel like all of my ideas were worthless… Now, I’m learning to trust myself and how I feel I should be creatively expressing myself.
I’m working on it. I’m starting to figure “it” out, both in the technical and mental/emotional sense. I’m starting to understand and appreciate that the last few months have been hard because they’ve been teaching me a lot about who I am and what I want to do, and who I want to reach, and why I want to do all of it. I’ve got a few old figurative wounds to heal, as we all do, and my blog and online persona is an outlet to do that. I just want to do more of that. I want to be a resource for those who have dealt with or struggle with the same things I do. I am eternally grateful for everyone who spends time with me by reading or engaging with me, and knowing that there are real people who value what I do helps me to get over my anxiety about what I do. The least I can do for those who have supported me for YEARS – without knowing who I was or why I was on Twitter – is share some of the experiences, insights, lessons and advice that I’ve learned over time.
Everything I’ve done, both good and bad, in my personal and professional life has lead me to where I am today. And honestly? Some of my worst moments gave me the most clarity and insight about myself and my purpose. Making mistakes can teach you valuable lessons if you’re willing to examine them in that way. I don’t think anything is really by accident if you understand that the experience is meant to support your growth and make you a better person. I’m not saying that I’m perfect or trying to justify all my mistakes, just that I’ve realized they’re not life ending deal breakers as I see them in my head.
I talked a lot about the value of fucking up and making mistakes (vs. being too scared to start) in the first video I recorded to jump back into Youtubing, a much overdue life update Q&A:
The advice I was trying to give is some that I’m still working to live out every day… Obviously. Did you just read the above rant? It’s hard to stay motivated to push yourself out of your comfort zone and stay positive that what you’re doing *even if it sometimes scare the shit out of you* is worthwhile and is helping you get to where you want to go, especially if you don’t actually know. It’s really fucking hard. But, do we ever really know until, we do something and then we know?? No. So is there really any downside to going for it, whatever it is, and seeing what happens? NO! (this is the part I struggle to convince myself about, lol. Like I said, I’m a work in progress!!!)
I’m not an expert with editing yet, but I’m learning. I’m having way more fun now working on filming, actually doing it, and planning what content I’ll be sharing in video form on my YouTube channel in the coming months. I’m still working on compiling all the links and details for a post about my newest vid: My Skincare Routine + Fave Serums and Masks, but take a look if you haven’t seen it yet!
I’ve come to see it as an opportunity to engage my readers and internet friends in a more personal way, as well as being a new way to connect with people in the digital space. I’m not trying to be the next viral sensation, I’m just trying to challenge myself to be the best betch I can be… and right now it’s getting over my fear of filming myself and “being” a YouTuber. Soooo, bear with me as I get my video self situated, and be sure to subscribe to my channel and stay up to date with my latest uploads over there :)
xx
PS. Please leave a comment on this post if you have a question for my next #AskSCB Q&A video, or if you have a specific request/idea to film!
STONECOLDBETCH 