PSA: I’M BACK, BITCHES!!!

Oh, hey.

Remember me?

It’s your favorite Stone Cold Betch from the internet!

I’d say it’s been a minute since my last post, buuut the reality is more like a million and a half minutes, give or take… if you can’t crack my cryptic code: what I mean is that it’s literally been 3 years since I last posted. SERIOUSLY. Like, who am I? What HAPPENED to me?

Don’t answer that. It’s rhetorical, obviously – plus I’m just not that interested to hear unsolicited conspiracy theories about myself – the literal reality of it all has been plenty for me to deal with, thank you very much. The dismal and disappointing truth is that I was legitimately just too busy dealing with all the unforeseeable plot twists in my real life. You know, life just got real… And maybe a little too real at times – BUT, my point is this:

Don’t worry, never fear, because your psycho queen is HERE!

I’m BAAACK to my betchiest self, and I hereby solemnly swear to resume dramatically oversharing about my life for all my best internet friends – which would be you, le duh. Plus, now I have all these crazy and unbelievable stories from IRL during my hiatus to finally share… Promise we’ll get all caught up on THAT soon enough… The tea will be PIPING hot, so please come thirsty.

ANYWAY, SO… I’m here because I have some positively groundbreaking news that I just MUST TELL YOU!!!

(But first… In important and related, but not breaking news: I finally got a Switch and popped my Animal Crossing cherry during quarantine, and now fully understand all the hype. I am OBSESSED. Everyone is welcome to visit my island, QUEENBETCH! Yes… OF COURSE I named it that.

Can you at least act surprised? I know I can’t see you, but I feel your eyes rolling.)

*** ALERT: ACTUAL BREAKING NEWS! ***

My writing was featured and published in a MAGAZINE!!!

AVEC/ is digital, funky, fresh, AND fucking beautiful. Like… it is chiiic. And honestly – what kind of millennial magazine would it even be if you didn’t read it on a screen? Real pages are so overrated. I actually wrote two articles, both of which you ABSOLUTELY need in your life during this unprecedented dumpster fire of a year so far.

PRO TIP: Go visit and subscribe to AVEC/ for automatic access to SUMMER 2020 in all its glory, plus all future editions – next up is FALL 2020! (And yes, I am already lowkey pitching pieces for it, months in advance, NBD.)

PS: Did you know Mercury is Retrograde right now? Also, so is just about every other planet in our solar system. Luckily, I wrote a piece on EXACTLY THAT – a Retrograde SurThrival Guide! (You’ll need to read it to understand what I mean by that – but it’s worth it, I swear.)

It is truly a MASTERPIECE, in my humble shamelessly proud opinion.

CLICK TO DOWNLOAD THE AVEC/ SUMMER 2020 DIGITAL MAGAZINE

CLICK TO VISIT A/D AND EXPLORE THIS FAB LIFESTYLE BLOG FOR QUARANTINED MILLENNIALS!

And stay tuned for a post next with with more cosmic tips to help you thrive during retrograde szn and this seemingly endless quarantine!

Now, let’s pause – are you still with me? I know, I KNOW. Reading me can be exhausting… Almost as exhausting as actually BEING me. Can you even imagine??? Again – don’t answer that.

If you are still with me… THANKYOUILOVEYOU! Here’s an extra surprise piece of news about me for your trouble.

I AM MOVING!

Yes. I said what I said. I. Am. Moving… DURING a Mercury Retrograde, no less.

Like… What did I do to deserve this?! (To be fair, I did basically ask for it… But still. Rude.)

How perfectly ironic it is that I will have to do literallyyyyy ALL the things (!!!) you should know to AVOID during a Mercury Retrograde, like traveling, or leaving your house for basically any reason at all, signing contracts/a new lease, relaunching this blog, etc… Cue the Alanis Morisette music.

Next month, I will be making my way back up the coast and home to Seattle!!! But let’s get one thing clear: I HAAAAATE MOVING. Hate. Truly the worst. I’m trying to Marie Kondo my apartment right now, but the general activity of moving sucks all the joy right out of me, so it’s been a struggle. (I’m also obsessed with Marie Kondo, and now I wonder if she plays Animal Crossing… Like… Would her island be carefully curated in just the precise way that sparks joy? Constantly searching every inch of her island in hopes that new weeds show up, so she can “declutter” her vast verdant cliffs? I have so many questions.)

Anyway – you know I’ll be reporting back (and/or live tweeting constantly) all of my problems and progress as I take on this challenging endeavor as I simultaneously taunt the cosmos to come fuck with me!!! Thoughts and prayers would be much appreciated during this time… But actually, I need all the help I can get. Just please pray for me to survive this fuckery.

I’ll leave it at that for now because I don’t want to overwhelm you with how extra I am, before you remember how much you love me. You know you love me… And because you do – I am asking for just one simple favor…

!!! PLEASE, PLEASE !!!

Share with me in the comments (or tweet me) any #AskSCB questions, post requests, topics or ideas you want to see covered on the blog in the near future… You know nothing is off limits with me, and I want to be able to cater my content to you!

Last thing, FOR REAL: I just have to say that I’ve really missed this (plus all of you!) and am so excited to be writing and creating again. We seriously have SO much to catch up on… Are you ready?

Love you, mean it.

xx