BUCKLE UP BETCHES AND GENTS, because Mercury is officially “Gatorade” again. Brittany Cartwright/Taylor put it SO eloquently on a recent episode of Vanderpump Rules when she defended her psycho husband Jax and blamed his crazy behavior away by saying that, you know, “maybe Mercury’s Gatorade again.” Bless your heart, Brittany, but I’m pretty sure Jax is responsible for Jax, and a planet that’s 48 million miles away, is not. Contrary to what reality TV believes, Mercury does not actually “go GATORADE,” but rather has periods of retrograde – which means what, exactly? I’m so glad you asked! Welcome to your Mercury Retrograde SURTHRIVAL Guide. (Yes, I know that’s not a real word – I just made it up.)

SURTHRIVE: (verb) A way of being, experiencing, and living life as though one is absolutely THRIVING, and not merely surviving, in spite of any and all circumstances. The ideal opposite of “to survive.”

Today, I’m here to give you ALL! THE! TEA! about how the planets can impact and influence our personal lives on Earth. I’m a Pisces sun, Cancer moon, and Gemini rising – which should tell you everything you need to know about me. I guarantee you will become a certified surthrivalist if you listen to me and do what I say… I’m basically an expert. (And not at ALL bossy.)

Fair warning: Any bitching or whining about this cosmic phenomenon will NOT be tolerated after reading this! You, and everyone you’re quarantined with, is welcome in advance. (PS: If you’re still stuck under some level of quarantine lockdown like me, consider yourself lucky – being stuck at home is literally ideal for Mercury Retrograde.)

While you might not like or want to believe what you learn below, I promise this is an absolutely legitimate planetary phenomenon, proven and scientifically verified by people who are clearly WAY smarter than me! There’s a boatload of science/math/physics, etc. behind it all that’s nearly impossible to understand – unless you are an astrophysicist – and, spoiler alert: I am not an astrophysicist. However, I AM obsessed with space, so I already did all the heavy lifting (AKA nerding out and translating all the fancy research jargon into straightforward *MiLLeNiaL LaNGuaGe* for you), so no calculators or textbooks will be needed. Thank me later.

Finally, before we dive in to get balls deep with the cosmic tea and a bunch of technical terms, let me just say this: There is no judgment if you need to read this with a glass of wine for emotional support… I get it. The truth hurts, but I don’t give a fuck about your feelings – and neither does Mercury, so grab a glass and GET TO SIPPING.

Let’s start this tea party by first spilling about Mercury. Named for the Roman Messenger God, Mercury is the first planet in our solar system, and also the fastest – which is fitting, considering. It’s a molten metal-ish planet that’s pretty hot with a funky orbit from flying so close to the sun for so long (roughly 4.5 billion years, NBD), and joins ours 3-4 times a year – which is what we know and fear as “Mercury Retrograde.” To give you a sense of how massive the scale of our solar system is – Here’s some factuali-TEA (don’t worry, I am starting to hate me, too) about the distance between this planetary trio. Mercury is approximately 33 MILLION MILES from the sun, while earth is 94 MILLION miles from the sun. On average, Mercury is zooming around about 48 million miles away from us.

Another fun twist: You know that when Mercury is “in retrograde,” it’s not ACTUALLY moving backwards, right? It’s just racing through “our” sky slightly closer and slower/faster than what would average out to be a “normal” distance between the two planets. (But again: even a TEENY deviation from “normal” is still MILLIONS OF MILES OF DISTANCE BETWEEN US. Try defending Jax with the stone cold facts, BRITTANY.)

It’s basically an optical illusion – Mercury only *APPEARS* to be going in reverse (due to its funky and irregular orbit) because we’re seeing and perceiving it from earth. It’s all in our perspective, as is everything. If you imagine a top-down view of our solar system, we (earth) are just cruising through the space/time continuum and everything is all good – until it isn’t. While we continue happily along with our very regular orbit, Mercury comes screaming into our lane REAL hot, with alllll its *literal* magnetic baggage, to kick it with us for a couple weeks, completely fucking up our lives in the process.

But… That’s not OUR fault, right? We’re just innocent bystanders victims, completely blameless for our questionable-to-regrettable choices, because Mercury is the culprit. Blame Mercury! Mercury MADE us do it. Don’t believe me? It’s called SCIENCE… Look it up. I can’t do everything for you, you know.

Essentially, all that happens is Mercury and Earth get sliiightly closer a few times a year, but never deviate far enough to give your blame game and sob stories any credibility. A million miles between planets in space is like, an inch. Maybe a MILLIMETER. MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of MILES, you guys. That’s like spraying someone with pepper spray and saying “it was THEIR fault! They made me do it” when they came within 8 feet of you, even though the required distance is only six. Get my point? It’s ludicrous. No, not the rapper. Try to keep up… And that will conclude our refresher course on the solar system, which means we are getting to the STEAMING hot tea. I know, you’re so over it and didn’t ask for more, but it’s coming. Drink up, because…

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: You might think the world revolves around you, but it doesn’t. I know – depressing, but true. Our world actually revolves around the sun (and so technically, we do too), as do all the other planets (plus all their moons) in our solar system.

We all obviously know that here on earth, we rotate ONCE around the sun per day. (Fucking duh, right? Just you wait.) Well… MERCURY rotates THREE times per TWO orbits around the sun. If that was earth – we’d only experience 1.5 days PER YEAR. And if we were the sun, we’d say Mercury only rotated ONCE per TWO orbits… Do the math. I’ll pause to let that sink in… But to make this simple: if we lived on Mercury, we would only have ONE DAY, in what we technically would consider to be TWO YEARS worth of time on earth, because we define orbits in years, and rotations in days. Like, WHAT?! I’m sorry but I can’t even begin to grasp that warped concept of time, and hope I’m not the only one. What would you do, if you only had ONE DAY to do TWO YEARS worth of life?! (No pressure.)

Sorry if I just caused you an existential crisis, but read on and keep your personal problems to yourself – because now it’s time for some astrology-tea! Is it too much to say Astrolo-TEA? I’m going with it. (PS. The puns get better as the tea gets hotter. I’m not sorry.)

The key to understanding astrology is learning how the planets, signs, and houses relate, interact, and affect the others. Consequently, each piece expresses and indicates a different aspect of life that all fit together as a whole. The PLANETS indicate specific dimensions of experience. The SIGNS indicate specific qualities of experience. The HOUSES indicate specific “fields” of experience, which is where the energies of the planets and signs operate. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Google what a natal chart is, and then come back. In astrology, Mercury is the planet of intelligence and the mind, communication, intellectual energy, transportation, travel, and more. It influences the way you see/hear/understand everything.

This year, we have the opportunity to SURTHRIVE during two Retrogrades:

  • June 18 – July 20 (Cancer)
  • Oct. 14 – Nov 3 (Scorpio and Libra)

That’s right, a retrograde is happening at this very moment, so I hope you’ve been paying attention to me – I MEAN, to what I’ve been saying.

This month’s retrograde takes place in the sign of Cancer, the cardinal water sign. Cancer is associated with matters of the home (especially the deep sense of security and safety that comes with it), family, close emotional and intimate relationships – you get the idea. Their dominant approach to life and understanding it is through their EMOTIONS… Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces (the water signs) intuit by feeling, not thinking. HEART > HEAD. As a cardinal sign, Cancer initiates or acts to bring goals or desires to fruition – they’re very devoted to achieving and accomplishing their goals.

Ruled by the Moon, Cancer’s dreamy, emotional, and nurturing nature makes for a beautifully vulnerable, intuitive, and loyal sign… But don’t be fooled by their generous nature and caring souls – this sign is symbolized by the crab, which means they’re also very guarded and have a tough exterior in order to shield and protect their tender hearts. If you manage to break down the walls of a Cancer, you are truly lucky – you will have that someone in your corner, FOREVER. No refunds, no givebacks.

FYI: Cancer is my natal moon sign, which means it packs a double punch for me, so I REALLY know what I’m talking about with this one. Trust. Speaking of – as I was writing this post, I got some ~intuitive messages from the universe~ channeled straight from the cosmos, from my psycho PSYCHIC Pisces soul to yours.

Here is the advice and insight that came through to help guide you during Mercury’s retrograde of our Queen Crab, Cancer…

While Cancer is a neutral to positive sign for Mercury to be transiting through, retrograde rules still apply. Expect to take a walk down an emotional memory lane – this doesn’t mean purely in a romantic way, but the entire spectrum of emotions… Something from the past that was really important to you, whether happy, sad, good, bad, agonizing, euphoric, or disappointing, will likely come to the surface for you, especially in the areas governed by Cancer. Take a minute to ask yourself, “why is this here for me now? What do I still need to learn?” You can’t bury that shit anymore. Acknowledge what’s there, and let it go.

Be aware of both your emotions, and communication (also: your emotional communication). It would be beneficial to not just LOOK at, but *FEEL* about what’s happening for you during the upcoming retrograde season. Get really, really honest with yourself… Like, do you know how your thoughts really make you feel? Did you know you were unconsciously being too hard on yourself, too judgmental, or constantly reinforcing the belief that you are “not good enough?” Now is THE time to be real with yourself and start laying the groundwork to alchemize their relationship for the future… Our thoughts and words – even if we are the only ones hearing them – are POWERFUL. YOU have the power to transform any aspect of yourself or your life that doesn’t feel aligned with who you want to, and will become as time goes on.

Tap into the enduring, dedicated energy of Cancer and the mystical, mysterious power of the Moon, and MAKE YOUR OWN MAGIC! From the comfort of your couch, of course. Did I mention that the greatest part about inner-work is you can do it literally anywhere, anytime? Which begs the question…What are you waiting for? Take this time to fully commit to coming out of your safe, sterile cocoon so that once quarantine is over, you can WILL no longer be a basic caterpillar, but a one-of-a-kind butterfly… So test your wings and get ready to fly into your future as the most vibrant, aligned, magnetic, and truest you that you’ve ever known.

Now, let’s move on to something a little more… SWEET: POSITIVI-TEA. There’s actually a lot of potential during a Mercury Retrograde – no time is better to slow down, check up, and get back in touch with yourself. Let’s discuss some of the best things you can do to take advantage of this time while it’s here. (BONUS: These should also help to keep you too busy to text an ex, cut your own hair, or make any other questionable decisions. Namaste.)

  • Get inspired by words beginning with “re-” during this time: reflect, review, refine, repair, reinvent, re-evaluate, renovate, redesign, reorganize, rethink, rejuvenate, recharge, refresh, reset, you get the idea. Do more of those.
  • UNPLUG.. Rather than sit banging your head against your screen because “Mercury Retrograde” is making your devices crazy, maybe take it as a sign from the world that you shouldn’t be on them at all right now.
  • Communication will inevitably get screwed up for you somewhere. Don’t get butthurt. Be cool. It’s a chance for you to be the empowered internet woman you are, not a bratty drama queen.
  • PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE, AND KINDNESS IS FREE. Don’t be the one to complain about technical issues, Zoom clusterfucks, or breezing in and out of the grocery store. Oh no. Be the one who makes temporary friends with the masked customer next to you in line, don’t hoard toilet paper, and PLEASE, resist the urge to gossip with your work colleagues about how gross it was to see Karen eating lunch on yesterday’s video call. I mean… Didn’t you just do that last week? There are no secrets anymore, so don’t dish it if you can’t take it right back.

Now it’s time to spill the REALI-TEA and debunk all the stupid myths and conspiracies about what can go wrong during these times. Most articles looooove to gossip about what can go wrong during a retrograde – and it’s all bullshit. There are no cosmic gods conspiring against you, because again – the world DOES. NOT. REVOLVE. AROUND. YOU (or me, unfortunately), let ALONE the entire galaxy! Sorry not sorry if you think you’re that important… But if you do –  don’t worry. I like to think I am, too.

  • Back up your data. Don’t purchase electronics. Don’t sign contracts. Read the fine print. But don’t buy anything electronic, or that requires a contract… OR A SIGNATURE. It’s all a scam.
  • Do. Not. Talk. To. Anyone. You’re not going to get your message across right, or they’re going to hear you wrong, and will inevitably feel terribly victimized by you for absolutely no reason.
  • Don’t even bother touching your computer or be doomed to want to throw it out the window. And FORGET about quarantine shopping online, because Mercury rules travel and the postal system which probably means your package will get lost. Or have the virus. JUST BE QUIET AND STAY INSIDE.
  • You’re probably/definitely going to have an ex waltz back into your life uninvited. Sorry about that.
  • Prepare to be extra, EXTRA early for all appointments (read: Zoom calls) and double check your travel schedule (if we’re ever actually allowed outside again – the year is 2037…) but honestly, why? It won’t matter. You’re probably still gonna miss your flight… And too bad, because that’s the only one going to your destination for the whole fucking week. Thanks, CORONAVIRUS!!! (I wrote that in Cardi B’s voice.)
  • Basically… You’re fucked no matter what you do – so don’t even worry, just know Mercury Retrograde is COMING for you. (Just kidding. But am I, though? You may never know.)

AND, THAT’S IT. I know – I’m sure you want more, but that’s all the tea you get for now… Consider Mercury Retrograde officially demystified. This planetary “phenomenon” is not as complicated as you wanted to believe, right? As I’ve always said (aka this is the first time I’m saying this): Piping hot tea always leads to juicy discoveries.

Congratulations! You are now a certified surthrivalist and I believe you are ready to go forth, conquer your future, and THRIVE despite any and all circumstances. Gold stars and snaps for all. Once you understand what is really happening up there in space, it gets hard to play the blame game during these times… No more making excuses for when YOU fuck your own life up! Do better. Take your power back and use my tips to own up to your shit and start to THRIVE, not just SURVIVE, during Mercury Retrograde! I’d highly suggest marking the above dates on your calendar to see if there’s any connection between what Mercury rules over and what happens in your personal world – think of it as an opportunity to prove to yourself just how amazing, empowered, and in control of your life you really are. Or, don’t… It’s your life. I don’t care – just don’t come crying to me after not taking my advice. Peace and blessings.

And, IN CONCLUSION (as Cher Horowitz would say): Mercury Retrograde is truly the perfect time and opportunity to shamelessly choose to DO YOU: rest, recharge, refresh, and reconnect. Clean out your closet and decide what’s really important for your post-pandemic wardrobe, or take a bath and ponder the meaning of life – with wine, of course.)

Just please promise me one thing before we go. Do you promise to promise? I’m trusting you with the honor system. Now, repeat after me: “I PROMISE I WILL NOT TEXT MY EX.” If there is only one single thing you take away from this to apply to your life – make it this: DO. NOT. TEXT. YOUR. EX. EVER. Not during retrograde, or any other time. Leave them in your past where they belong. Just like you shouldn’t drink and drive, you shouldn’t text an ex. It’s a fact.

So, can you promise to promise me that? I’m trusting you with the honor system, so while I won’t know if you do… Karma is a real bitch, and you better believe she will not stop unleashing an equally appropriate amount of bad juju on you, until you literally do.



  1. Okay so like I AM ALSO OBSESSED WITH YOU!!!!! Thanks for translating and doing the heavy lifting, and I fucking love that word SURTHRIVING.

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