It’s Only Tuesday, Anxiety. ((LIFE UPDATE))

Hi, lovers and internet friends!

I’m back home at the beach after being gone for a few weeks taking a trip around the world — to DUBAI. My boyfriend’s best friend from college lives there, and this time we were going for his WEDDING!!! It was an unreal. We added a few days onto our trip to have a real vacation and I must say this has been one of the worst returns to reality and all the unread emails in my inbox, ever. (said after every vacation, ever)

Now, before I get started let me just say this was probably the most amazing and extravagant wedding I have ever been to, and now I have very unrealistic standards for my own. Indians know how to party. I have a ton of photos I’m sorting through and editing to compile a photo diary from the trip, so stay tuned for that… I’ll share one from the sangeet, the night where I was all dressed up in a lehenga and felt like a proper Indian princess.

Gold and hot pink glitz and glam is just how I like it. Doesn’t DSP look adorable in his kurta?!

We were gone until the night before Thanksgiving, and after a 16 hour flight home and a +12 hour jet lag, I wasn’t in the mood to hop on a flight up to Seattle this year… We did clean out the Whole Foods hot bar for noms, though. Not my mom’s cooking, but not bad if you’re being a useless lazy person on a holiday where a home cooked meal is the traditional way to go.

Now, it’s back to reality and the griiiind for a few weeks before I head home for Christmas. I’m finally going home and am SO, SO excited… This is partially because Dubfire is playing at Q just before Christmas, but ONLY PARTIALLY!

Nearly every single time I’ve gone back home since I moved to LA over a year ago, it’s been quick trips – for a birthday, a holiday, an appointment… I am going to be home for OVER 2 WEEKS. That means I will have time to hang with my family, get my medical ish sorted out, AND have time to see my friends… I think I still have some up there. A girl can hope, right?

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PS. More exiting news: over Thanksgiving weekend, I heard word from my dad about a digital marketing job at a financial media company he knows and decided to apply. It’s a full-time gig, and I’ve only just sent them my resume but it would be a really cool opportunity for me so keep your fingers crossed! I promise to keep blogging regardless — I would never abandon SCB and this amazing community. I’ll share more deets as I get them :)

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I have therapy in about an hour today so I’m writing this down to the wire before I go… Hopefully this post makes sense as an all over the place update of where I’ve been lately. If you’ve been reading me for a while, you’re probably used to this, but I still get in my head*** thinking my readers give absolutely no shits about my day to day life besides the experiences that can provide value to them.

*** THIS is an example of how my anxiety re-frames what I think I do, and affects what I do, to stifle my candid creativity that is simply writing and sharing and connecting with you guys. This is not truly what I think of you guys or what I do… I am learning to realize the differences between how I actually feel, and how my anxiety thinks I *should* feel.

My first post about going to therapy for anxiety felt SO GOOD to get out in the world, and I have been so touched by everyone’s responses and feel so lucky to have the digital support system I do. Thank you. However, it also “activated” (a word from my therapist I much prefer to “trigger”) a lot of latent anxiety and other shit to release and I had a gnarly panic attack the following day. Since then, I’ve felt more clear and free and aware of my own neuroses and issues to deal with… Which is both good and bad. Good because I feel like I can see myself clearly, bad because I’m still working on fixing my rougher edges, which is hard and frustrating and God help my boyfriend when I am having a bad day, you know?

One of the deals I have made with my therapist is that she holds me accountable to creating content, which helps me keep perspective on my anxiety and how much it fucks with my ability to be creative, and to create in general. Having someone who knows what it’s like to be in my head, has been instrumental in creating a space where I can begin to understand when I have stopped thinking for myself and have been hijacked by my unconscious, anxious mind.

I’m truly amazed at how quickly I’ve unlocked and moved past a lot of my usual triggers and psychological bullshit. I’ve talked to a bunch of you on Twitter who commend my bravery in being open about my choice to seek therapy and that it’s motivating them to seek their own treatment or better themselves. As someone who struggled with the idea and decision of going to therapy at all, let me save you years of grief and assure you it is not as bad as it seems. You’re not condemning yourself to being a pathological, problematic human being. You’re being proactive and empowering yourself to become everything you should and deserve to be. If making my personal journey public helps other people to get out of their own way sooner than I did for myself, I’ll keep sharing, and I’ll never shut up. #EndTheStigma

NOWWWW, I really need to get out the door and head to therapy so I can be the bestest, betchiest betch that ever did type on the internet. Tweet me, beep me, if you need to reach me!

xx