SCB’s Guide to Mercury Retrograde.

According to THE authority of all things white girl, Taylor Swift is here to say that Mercury is indeed:

right now. So, basically we’re all fucked, but mostly because Taylor Swift thinks she knows what’s going on.

First of all… You know Mercury doesn’t actually go backward in orbit, right? It’s an optical illusion. It only *appears* to be because we’re seeing it from earth. It’s all in our perspective, as is everything. NEWSFLASH: You might think the world revolves around you, but it doesn’t. This world actually revolves around the sun, as do many other planets. Like Mercury.

In a top-down view of our solar system, we’re just passing Mercury and everything is business as usual. Us Earthlings continue happily along in our regular orbit. Mercury is this super hot, molten metal-ish planet with a funky orbit from flying so close to the sun, and it comes into ours 3-4 times a year.

Just knowing a huge magnet (Mercury has more iron in its core than any other planet) is flying through “our” sky makes me feel better about why electronics go on the fritz during this time. Whether you like/believe in it or not… this is some planetary space shit you might as well understand. There’s obviously a boatload of science and math behind all of this, proven by people who are way fucking smarter than me.

Here’s a plot twist: Mercury only rotates three times per two orbits around the sun. If that was earth, we’d only know 1.5 days per year. If you were the sun, you’d say it only rotated once per two orbits. We have one rotation per day (fucking duh). That would mean there is only ONE DAY, in what’s technically “two years.” Because we define orbits in years and rotations in days.

Like, what? That blew my mind a little. I can’t even grasp that concept of time. What would you do, if you only had one day to do two year’s worth of life?


In astrology, Mercury is the planet of intelligence and the mind, communication and intellectual energy, transportation and travel. It deals with the way you see/hear/understand everything.

Most articles like to talk about what can go wrong during a retrograde. Let’s talk about that:

  • Back up your data, don’t purchase electronics. Don’t sign contracts. Read the fine print.
  • Don’t try talking to anyone because you’re not going to get your message across right or they’re going to hear you wrong and be offended for absolutely no reason.
  • Don’t even bother touching your computer or be doomed to want to throw it out the window. And forget about shopping online, because Mercury rules travel and the postal system which probably means your package will get lost. Just be quiet and stay inside.
  • You’re probably going to have an ex waltz back into your life uninvinvited. Sorry about that.
  • Leave extra early for all appointments and double check your travel schedule, but don’t worry because you’re probably still gonna miss your flight.
  • You’re fucked, so don’t even worry about it, because whatever you do, Mercury Retrograde is coming for you.

Now let’s be real. There’s actually a ton of different ways you can benefit in this time. It’s the perfect opportunity to slow down, check up and get back in touch with yourself.

  • Considering words that start with “re-” is a great idea during this time: reflect, review, refine, reinvent, re-evaluate, renovate, recharge, refresh, you get the idea. Do more of those.
  • Unplug. Rather than sit banging your head against your screen because “Mercury Retrograde” is making your devices crazy, maybe take it as a sign from the world that you shouldn’t be on them at all right now.
  • Communication will inevitably get screwed up for you somewhere. Don’t get butthurt. Be cool. It’s a chance for you to be the empowered internet woman you are, not a bratty drama queen.
  • Be patient. Don’t be the one to complain about a flight delay, be the one who makes some temporary airport friends and spends that delay hanging out with them… at the nearest bar.

Basically there’s nothing to fear with this planetary phenomenon. It’s actually the perfect chance to catch up with yourself and anything that might have dropped off your radar recently. Clean out your closet and decide what’s important in your wardrobe, or take a bath and ponder the meaning of life – with wine, of course.

Mercury will be kicking it with us until February 11th. There are three MRs this year: January 21-Feb 11, May 19-June 11, and September 17-October 9. Mark them on your calendar and see if there’s any connection between what Mercury rules over and what happens in your life! Or don’t. I don’t care. It’s your life to fuck up. Peace and blessings.

So that’s Mercury Retrograde. If you’re curious to learn more, here are a few of my fave articles from researching this post:


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