I have a confession: I love dark chocolate. I might even go as far to say that I’m a dark-chocaholic. However, it took me years to get to this place of chocolate inner peace. For the longest time, I stuck up my nose at any and all chocolate, afraid that god forbid I had one tiny square and it would send me spiraling down to my knees in Fran’s truffle boxes. Or worse, crappy commercial chocolate wrappers. The horror! The shame! The guilt! Although my inner Babette craved chocolate, I was stuck, paralyzed by fear of “what if?” But what if I told you that you can have your chocolate, maintain mental sanity, and fit into your designer denim, too? I know, too good to be true…
As if! I’m not going to sugar coat it for you. You can’t gorge on chocolate 24/7 and be the fit, healthy bitch you aspire to be. However, you can absolutely indulge in the occasional sweet treat. As far as I’m concerned, proper chocolate consumption correlates to mental sanity. And for you psychos out there thinking, “I don’t even like chocolate,” I’d bet my pink iridescent snakeskin Chanel you’re lying.
So, the obvious question remains, “How can I have my chocolate and keep my sweet ass, too?” The answer is simple: grain, gluten, dairy and refined sugar free dark chocolate brownies. I KNOW! (Monica from Friends voice) sounds impossible. A brownie without all its standard components? Guess what, psychos. It’s not only possible, but also easy. One pot, 10-ingredient easy. Truth be told, I’m 99% sure I’ve crafted the most insane, decadent, dark chocolate brownies that dare to masquerade as “healthy.” And the best part? You most likely have the ingredients in your own perfectly Paleo prepared kitchen. You heard me. No tapioca flour, or arrowroot starch. No butter, or blenders, and definitely no apple sauce. (WTF is apple sauce even doing in a brownie, like hellooo I’m trying to indulge here!) Just 10 simple, whole ingredients from one psycho to another.
Brownie Ingredients & Directions.
- 1 + 1/3c dark chocolate chips + more for topping (I used allergen-free Enjoy Life minis)
- 1/4c coconut oil, melted
- 3/4c coconut sugar
- 1/4c honey (preferably raw and local)
- 2tsp vanilla extract
- 3 eggs, room temperature
- 1/4tsp sea salt
- 1/4tsp baking soda
- 1/2c almond flour
- 2T cocoa powder
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and prepare a brownie tin (I used 9×9, but 8×8 works too) by lining the bottom with parchment paper, or nonstick spray.
In a medium-sized sauce pan, melt 1+1/3c chocolate chips with 1/4c melted coconut oil on med-low heat. When melted, remove from heat and stir in coconut sugar and honey. Add your vanilla and your eggs, and stir to combine.
Finally, add all dry ingredients to your pan, mix and pour into the prepared brownie tin. Sprinkle with chocolate chips. Pop your brownies in the oven, bake for aproximately 20-23 minutes, rotating once halfway through… You know they’re done when still gooey in the center, but when you insert a toothpick, the toothpick comes out clean.
Now, here’s the tough part, bitches. Do not touch the fucking brownies. I repeat: DO NOT TOUCH. Wait at least one hour before removing your new beloveds from their home in their brownie tin. Or, if you have the willpower, let them cool for an hour, then stick them in the fridge until cool for a picture-perfect crumb-free cut.
And there you have it. No crazy bullshit, no blending, and best of all, no sad cardboard brownies. I can’t even tell you how many gluten free, grain free, and/or Paleo brownie recipes I’ve come across that require the weirdest shit, only to leave you crying over bad brownies and a major waste of what could have been a bottle of Veuve rosé. And chocoholic or not, I’ll take the bottle of rosé any day. However, I’d kick myself if I didn’t suggest a nice medium-bodied red to go with, because seriously… red wine and chocolate – does it get any better? I think not. Bon appétit, bitches!